Yesterday started what is, without a doubt, the hardest week of the year for me. I could feel the tight pull of anxiety in my chest last night. I spent a restless night dreaming of her and tossing and turning. I went and ran this morning in hopes of pushing through the sadness. It didn't help. I still felt that terrible anxious sadness. A big empty pit in my chest.
March 11th will be three years since my mother died. Everyone says it gets easier, and in some ways it does. You have work and life and immediate concerns. You get distracted and busy. Life takes over. Auto-pilot. There are those moments though... I have an argument with Corey, I feel like I'm wasting time at my job because it isn't me focusing on sewing and being creative, I have a bad day, I try a new wine or a great new bakery that I know she would love and I'm right back in that empty lonely feeling. I become overwhelmed with the feeling that there is nothing good left in the world.
I'm sitting on my couch sobbing right now, the tight feeling in my chest making me feel like I'm suffocating.
I promised myself that when and if this feeling cropped back up this year, I'd try my best to work out more and think of good positive things.
One of them is this:
While some asshat felt the need to throw a brick through the window of Commonwealth Press, they've decided to auction off the brick along with a bunch of other items to the highest bidder to cover repair costs and turn a negative into a positive. Both KDKA and WPXI have been to the shop today and the auction is up to over $400. You can get the details on their Facebook page.
Sometimes all it takes is remembering that not everything is awful, sometimes people are lovely and things do get better. This week I get to see Dania, go dancing with a bunch of my favorite ladies, meet and hug Taryn Hipp of Lady Teeth (the zine and etsy store), for a zine reading at The Big Idea Bookstore here in Bloomfield. Besides its my Sweet 16x2 birthday this month. I want to have fun and smile and not let this anxiety squeeze the life out of me this month.
I'm gladly receiving and giving hugs all month long.